Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Beating a dead horse...er...freak

I'll tell you what isn't normal, you grotesque excuse for a human being, and that's your spaceship theology involving Thetans and E-meters and auditors and Dianetics. Your psychotic need to convince every camera that you're only seconds away from ripping the clothes off of your pregnant victim fiancee who is clearly suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. The sofa-vaulting and the posturing and the angry confrontations with interviewers whose formal education clearly exceeds your own but whose questions regarding your "understanding" of textbook psychology are met with an open hostility that only slightly masks your enormous ignorance.

The secrecy and the denials of cult-like behavior that are explained away with smoke and mirrors. The fact that you've adopted the long-dead L. Ron Hubbard as your "new dad" since you've recently and conveniently remembered that the original model wasn't very nice to you. That you've publicly attacked a woman whose body is capable of doing something you'll NEVER be able to pull off, simply because of a common post-pregnancy chemical disorder for which she sought medical relief? What's next, Tom? Will you declare a war on aspirin? Tampons? Yeah...that whole menstruation thing is just a load of bullshit anyway! Bleeding is just a state of mind, no?

Dude, you're beginning to make Moonies and David Koresh followers look positively rational.

And now you've abducted a perfectly nice woman, bleached her brain free of all independent thought and secluded her behind big metal gates that are decorated with signs warning her to be silent...should she be vocally startled by the frantic attempts of your 10 lb. spawn son or daughter to claw its way out of her uterus. I think I speak for all females here when I tell you that NO MAN (I mean "man" in the very literal sense here and not the way we continually pretend that the word"men" guarantees equal rights for women in the Constitution) gets to order/control/mandate/force how or where or under what conditions women bring children into this world. If we want drugs or not, music or gentle encouragement, company or solitude, a doctor or a midwife....it doesn't matter. If we want to stand, sit, squat or lie down or hang from a trapeze--we decide what works--not you.

And the screaming? The moaning? The occasional cursing? It's not for you to question, criticize or squelch. You can take your Silent Birth credo and flush it down the crapper along with every existing copy of "Vanilla Sky" and "Eyes Wide Shut".

Here's an idea: Why don't you carry an infant-sized kidney stone around in your urethra for nine months and then calmly and quietly pass it through the head of your penis without the benefit of an atom-smasher to break it down beforehand and that might earn you the right to offer suggestions about whether I have your baby in a hospital, behind a rock or in a Twilight Zone-inspired Scientology scenario where my lips are duct-taped shut to keep my yelling down to a muffled whimper. Here's who needs to keep silent, Tom Cruise: YOU.

Tom's not the only person on my list of "People Who Irritate Me", but the folks I'm thinking about right now are extended family members and I'm finding it difficult to write about them without eventually making it possible for them to Google information about certain other things and then accidentally stumble across my blog where I've verbally flayed them for being such vexing and tiresome egomaniacs. That's all I can say right now.


Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

I thought that article was going to be a fluff piece, and it kind of was, until I got to the part where the reporter discussed Katie's vacant expression and neverending smile, mentioning how dazed she appeared. Poor wretch!

10:08 AM  
Blogger Lucky Lum said...

Well said my friend.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I empathize. I, too, have family members who act like children 99.9 percent of the time. But, sure as hell, can be counted on to brighten up enough to one day Google "that whiny, inconsiderate crack-smoking moron" and end up finding the post about them on my blog. Damn Google. But thank God for Tom, who so deserves to get the brunt of women's frustrations.

10:53 AM  
Blogger oakland heidi said...

I can't agree more.

10:59 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

Thank you. Perfectly stated. He is truly a batshit crazy egomaniacal freak.

The most bizarre part is that this is all suddenly coming to light. I'm sure he's been this way for some time, why is choosing now to crusade for Scientology? Is there some sort of Thetan second coming getting ready to happen that we should be aware of?

11:32 AM  
Anonymous donna said...

And correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought the big hoopla when he divorced Nicole was that she got pregnant (and then miscarried) but he was pissed because he can't have children. I wonder if that was pure Hollywood gossip or not. But the point is that his whole romance and baby(notice no marriage) with Katie Holmes is a big cover up of the fact that he is obviously gay. Big deal, man. Some people are gay. Just go with it. You've already beaten the M:I horse to death so maybe it's time to give up action hero roles anyway.

In short, I agree with you. He disgusts me now.

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Irene said...


11:47 AM  
Blogger Sandra said...

Here here. {{applause}}

11:54 AM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

Dude, you've *gotta* submit this somewhere. People need to READ THIS.

12:07 PM  
Blogger ccap said...

You go girl! Stand up proud on that soapbox!

12:08 PM  
Blogger Tink said...


I hate that man.

And you are a literary goddess.

12:14 PM  
Blogger Misfit Hausfrau said...


It still amazes me that with the freakshow that he has turned out to be, he will still pack them in the theaters when his new movie comes out. At least I can say that the last movie of his that I saw the entire way through was Magnolia--and it wasn't because of him. Although he was surprisingly good in it--probably because the character was really him and he wasn't acting.

12:29 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

Misfit Hausfrau is right. "Magnolia" was excellent...but not because of Cruise. He was just coasting along on the coattails of greatness in that movie.

Donna- Yeah...I heard the whole pregnancy thing, too. It surprised me that he turned on her so suddenly and completely. Just add it to this list of reasons why he needs a good beating!

12:33 PM  
Anonymous jess said...

Excellent! As always such a pleasure to read your posts. Somebody, somewhere is missing out by not paying you.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Yes! Spot on. And doesn't this make us all wonder about Nicole a wee bit. She put up with his batshittiness (thanks teebs!) for a long LONG time!

3:07 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Amen sister! I couldn't agree more. I have no plans to see a Tom Cruise movie ever again.

I find the whole scientology thing really bizarre too. There's a great site called "operation clambake" that talks about scientology that's worth a look.

3:12 PM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

He's totally bonkers and I think they just kept it under wraps for a long time. Also, people get nuttier with age.

I too, wondered at the comment by the reporter that Katie had a vacant look and kept a smile plastered on her face the entire time. What was he trying to tell us? Is she drugged? Just stupid??

3:54 PM  
Blogger H & D's mom said...

Show the value in good PR people, doesn't it? What a joker.

6:01 PM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...


I remember the time I swore to myself that I wasn't going to be a "moaner" when I went into labor.



8:06 PM  
Blogger Mommy off the Record said...

Amen. AMEN! Very well stated.

9:56 PM  
Blogger R. Robyn said...

is it possible this "Tom Cruise" guy is half robot? Or maybe just more than crazy?

Loved your post!

3:42 AM  
Blogger Katherine said...

Amen sister!! Enough of this ding dong already. The world is finding out what a wacko he is. How did he hide it all these years? Kind of parallels Michael Jackson's descent into freakdom...

4:20 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

You tell him, sister!

6:08 AM  
Blogger daysgoby said...

Wonderful post - he needs to sit down somewhere and SHUT UP.
Yes, you made millions.
No, this does not mean you're smart.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Nilbo said...

OK, so I can't tell you how to have a baby. I can live with that. But can i at least fall in love with you when you write something so goddamn brilliant?

9:30 AM  
Blogger Sarcomical said...

i think i've well-documented my distaste for this man, er, ASS.

i totally agree.

what i really want to know is...where has katie's voice been in all of this? why doesn't she want to say something? if it's not true, why doesn't she set the record straight? don't tom and his PR people understand that as long as it looks like he's controlling her every move and she doesn't come out and SPEAK DAMMIT, this will just get worse? argh.

poor child.

5:12 AM  
Blogger Nap Queen said...

THANK YOU! No one should EVER tell a woman how to birth her child. NO ONE. I refuse to watch movies in which he appears to stop him from getting one red cent of my money. Same with crazy Mel Gibson.

10:19 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

To be fair, let's acknowledge that Katie was about as deep as a puddle before she encountered Tom. Here's my theory on Cruise. He is here to remind us that our pathetic hero worship of celebrities has got to stop. Why don't we gather around famous cancer researchers and scream and shout and beg for autographs? That would actually make some kind of sense at least.

7:28 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home