Wednesday, April 19, 2006

One huge sign of the coming Apocalypse...plus other celebrity news

Actress Sharon Stone, whose sadly lame and overhyped talent of crossing and uncrossing her legs during a police interrogation, has announced plans to cut a music cd. You read me right, folks. She's planning on singing. No...this isn't a joke. Dear God, is it time to pass around the cyanide tabs and purple Kool-Aid already?

This is you, Katie Holmes, waving goodbye to life among normal human beings. Sure...congrats on giving birth (Suri, is it??) and all that...if, in fact,that thing under your shirt was actually the "Fruit" of Tom's "Loom" (if you get my meaning) and not a hastily purchased pillow from Target. That flushing sound you hear is the noise your life is now making as you join the robots over at the Scientology's Celebrity Center. Good luck, dearie. You're gonna need it. And I hope you read the memo that spells out how you'll probably lose custody of your child if you ever wake up from your coma and figure out that Scientology is S-T-U-P-I-D. As far as I'm concerned, Seed of Chucky has a better chance at a normal life than your kid.


Ace, Ace, Ace....you were totally screwed over. As I beheld the debacle that was your ousting from American Idol tonight, I marveled at the dignity with which you bore the knife America thrust so readily between your lovely shoulderblades. I thought Ellie May ClampettKelly Pickler totally blew chunks on her ballad this week. I mean, she's nice and all, but she's got limits to her talent and I thought the voters had given her enough of a free ride because of her "golly-gee" cuteness and she was on her way out tonight. The fact that she was granted yet another stay of "execution" is beyond my comprehension. BTW...Did anyone catch the stinkeye that Simon gave Ryan Seacrest when the latter accused the former of taking credit for the eventual loser's downfall?

And then to make you watch a little retrospective of your AI career (using Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" as the musical backdrop) while America WATCHED you WATCHING it without crying was the last straw. The whole thing was just wrong. I'm writing my congressperson as soon as I'm done here.

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Rolling blackouts all over Texas are causing everyone to lose e-mail and/or internet connectivity. Yesterday, today and maybe even tomorrow. If it seems as though I've been a little out of it...I have.

18 Comments:

Blogger Gina said...

I cannot believe that Kellie was not voted off.

What is wrong with America?

Well, actually, don't get me started...

As for rolling blackouts, are they due to the heat? That is when we get them here. Too many people turning on their air conditioners at the same time.

9:51 PM  
Blogger Nilbo said...

I'm still bemused that people can be shocked when America makes dumb voting choices. People, look who's in the White House. At some point, don't you shrug and say "Well, I guess that is one thing we just arent great at doing."

That said, Ace versus Kelly would be the battle of the micro-talents - and Ace has been sucking so pathetically (and sadly, so audibly)for so many weeks that it was finally his time, if only to save my bleeding ears from his nasal voice. 13 year old girls with underdeveloped gaydar can only keep you in the contest for so long.

While she did butcher the tempo on Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered, Ellie May IS a looker, and I think we should all want to keep her around just to counterbalance the homeliness that is the collective boys. I mean, come on - that red dress? Yikes.

And as for her saying stupid things ... do peoples' televisions go mute when Paula opens her drug-addled yap? You want stupidity on a world-class level, there's a tough act to follow.

Great stink-eye, Simon to Ryan, but the best stink-eye ever was a few weeks ago when Ryan was sporting that scruffy little "didn't shave on purpose" thing, and Simon said "You look like someone from Desperate Housewives. Lose the beard."

The first part of that, of course, didn't make sense. But it sets up the second line, which is the real joke - and the real reason Ryan shot him the stink-eye.

"Lose the beard,". Too perfect. And Teri Hatcher is somewhere saying "Sorry, Ry-ry. I thought we might fool them."

6:16 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

Perhaps Sharon Stone should go on American Idol. Although I doubt that even being picked apart by the vicious judges would do anything to deflate her massive ego.

6:53 AM  
Blogger Karen Zipdrive said...

Nice Blog you got here.
:)

8:27 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

Have you ever seen Children Of The Corn? I imagine that's what Katie and Tom's child is going to act like. The kid doesn't have a chance in hell.

Sharon Stone is making a CD?! I think I have an answer to that age old question, "Blind or Deaf?" now.

9:52 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

I'm so sick of celebrities crossing over easily just because they're famous. It bothers me most when celebrities publish books, but Sharon Stone doing a CD is pretty darn close.

10:51 AM  
Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

Brooke Sheids gave birth the same day as Katie Holmes. Postpartum depression or not, I'm pretty sure I know who's child will be more normal.

Hint: it's not Katie.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous LetterB said...

Seed of Chucky! Oh man that made me laugh.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

I'm totally stealing this from the GoFug girls, but is that choker actually holding Sharon Stoned's head on so that it doesn't go spinning around and around out of control? I'm starting to taste bile when I recall that I've seen her 'gina.

And I'm starting to cry and lactate a little thinking about the pod-station, I mean home, Suri is going to.

2:52 PM  
Anonymous sweatpantsmom said...

Sharon Stone SINGING?

My God, my ears are bleeding just thinking about it.

1:14 AM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I didn't lose power!! Yea!!

I liked Ace the best out of that bunch so totally agree with you and will begin writing my Congressman too.

Please tell me that the Sharon Stone singing thing is just a joke/threat?

5:11 AM  
Blogger Dan said...

I don't like the voting. The judges should make all decisions.

Scientology is so a part of America now, because they have invested financially in the country which makes them powerful and maistream unfortunately.

And Katie wore the ugliest maternity outfits. You would think with all his money, she would wear something classier.

And yes she will lose her mind, just like he did. America's favorite zombies!

6:30 AM  
Blogger ccap said...

Yeah, I'm getting VERY weary of Pickler's golly gee personality.

8:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

meh..I couldn't get on the ace train..he squicked me out for some reason. he never did much since "father figure". I like Eliot but know he'll be gone soon too. ~yogagirl

1:56 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

I'm more frustrated with AI's choice of 'themes'. Rod Stewart? Manilow? And 'Love Songs'? What the hell.

If the show was called Matinee Idol, or Cruise Ship Idol, or Muzak Idol, or Lifetime Channel Idol, I might get it.

For the love Gayken, how about Bjork night? Or Grunge Night? Or R Kelley Night? Or TRL Night? Something CONTEMPORARY.

2:33 PM  
Blogger CISSY said...

Ace was cute...is cute...however he really couldn't sing that well. What really surprised me was that Chris was in the bottom three. But Kellie did butcher that song. America forgave her, because she was so darned cute and admitted it.

4:52 PM  
Anonymous sarcastic journalist said...

We've been lucky with blackouts. I think for some reason, living in an apartment saves us.

Ditto on all the Katie Holmes stuff. Saw her in person once. Sad to think of what she's gotten herself into.

10:01 PM  
Blogger Rock said...

So funny - you never saw this show until this year and can't really figure out how it works.

the Pickler girl is a huge favorite of whoever votes - she's going to the last three or four for sure. Ace has been hanging by a thread for weeks - I didn't see this last week's episode but you can almost see the reverse seeding occure and Ace was the next to go - I would have bet on it.

I think Katherine SHOULD win for sure but i don't think its a wrap at all. That Taylor guy gets alot fo votes also.

This week its time for that guy with the goatee to go - Elliot. Then Paris.

But its pretty funny to see you actually emoting about this - go back to the first blog you wrote about this and compare.

3:33 PM  

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