Wednesday, May 03, 2006

A creepier father than Tom Cruise? You decide.


A well-to-do former classmate (and her husband) of Mr. Half's is celebrating the 18th birthday of their daughter and the father of this girl is buying her a very special gift. Can you guess what it might be?

A car? Nope.

A gigantic party for several hundred of her closest friends? Sorry.

A Hawaiian vacation? Guess again.

Expensive jewelry? You're getting colder.

Give up?

BOOBS, people of the internet. He's buying her some new boobs.

**silence but for the chirping of crickets**

New
boobs, you ask? What was wrong with the old ones? And when I say old, I'm really just referring to the set she was born with. There's nothing old about being 18 and even if the entire 7th Fleet has had a personal encounter with her "chestal region", it's my opinion that this child's hooters still retain at least a smidgen of that new car smell. Relatively speaking, of course.

By now you're probably casting about in your imagination for a clue to the turn of events that might persuade a seemingly well-intentioned father of normal intelligence to purchase a bigger set of knockers for his barely-legal daughter. Was she born without breasts? Has she been the victim of a flesh-eating disease or a disfiguing car accident. Did the window accidentally close on them as she was sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night? Shark bite, perhaps?

No...none of those. I've seen the girl. She's magazine-style beautiful. Blonde. Tanned. Thin. She competed in the Miss Teen Texas or some similar objectifying contest and it was on cable access. She was the runner-up. I've seen her in a low cut evening gown. It all checks out. Two very nice-sized boobs. A matched set, from all accounts. Yeah, yeah....I know all about the tricks using bra technology employing a suspension bridge philosophy to create the illusion of a bigger rack. Or when all else fails...duct tape. So what of it? So Daddy's little girl wasn't born with the breasts of a pole dancer. That's Life in the Big Titty--er--City, kiddo. Besides, the warranty on the original set hasn't even come close to expiring yet.

There are about a million things wrong with this scenario, but the one that raises the biggest red flag for me are the words this girl was saying at a recent party of her fellow high school graduates. To wit: "My daddy is buying me new boobs for my 18th birthday." DADDY????

Sorry if I sound like a Puritan who just landed on Plymouth Rock, but I'm pretty certain that the words "Dad" and "Daughter's breasts" should never have occasion to occupy space in the same sentence. Where's the loving parental conversation that points out how fortunate she is to be so intelligent AND so beautiful? Who is reminding her about the dangers of this type of surgery...and--yes--the extraordinarily STUPID amount of money required for a painful procedure that only reinforces her need to capitalize on her looks? She's not a grown woman who is capable of making and paying for this very personal decision herself. She's 18 and, as she's so proudly and publicly pointed out, it's her father's way of saying, "Happy Birthday, Sweetheart".

Unlike me, she hasn't yet shot three kids out of her nether regions. Sons with the appetite of young wolverines who could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch and who joyfully reduced my formerly "firm upstanders" into sad shadows of their former selves. This girl won't hit middle age for another 22 years, so the whole sagging thing is only a very distant worry. What's all the hurry to turn decent and "unmauled" breasts into flotation devices? I just don't get it.

What ever happened to getting a nice set of matching luggage?











34 Comments:

Anonymous TB said...

Oh yeah. That's creepy. The Daddy thing for an 18 year old is gross enough, but the idea that her parents are not only allowing her to do this but funding it at 18 is weird and a little gross. Very Jessica Simpson - there's something not quite right about the relationship she has with her dad.
I don't think they should legally be allowed to do this surgery on women under 21. Our society is really getting out of control with this crap.

1:39 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

Oh, and I forgot to mention how I strongly feel that allowing a perfectly normal and beautiful girl to do this just completely ruins her obviously already low self esteem. I hope these rich parents are also willing to pay for the thousands of dollars of therapy this poor girl is going to need in a few more years.

1:41 PM  
Anonymous jon deal said...

You had me at "That's Life in the Big Titty" and I snorted diet Coke out my nose.

And, of course, I'm appalled at the whole idea of someone giving a new "set" to their 18 year old daughter.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous average blogger said...

Eeeww. Not so much on the Daddy thing, as I'm afraid I'm guilty of acquiring that (probably a complete stereotype and not grounded in reality) Southern affectation, but 1: That her parents agree to it? 2: That they'd subsidize it? 3: That it should be info for public consumption? Nooooo.

I wonder if the pageant runner-up status had something to do with it. Does the girl have show biz plans? A pushy agent telling the don't-know-any-better-hey-this-guy-must-be-right hapless family members that she'll never get anywhere if she's Dance 10 Looks 3? Not that this would make it all right, but it might de-creepify it a little from the motivations standpoint.

And where is the girl's mom while all this is going on? And has anyone pointed out that, you know, surgery freaking HURTS?

So many questions.

1:56 PM  
Blogger Janna said...

Oh, gag me. That's just wrong. Sadly, I know people like this.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Arabella said...

This is really unfortunate. Plus, there are probably several young men (and women, for that matter) that don't even know what real breasts look like anymore, due to the proliferation of fake knockers everywhere, and don't even realize how brainwashed they've become by these media images.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Annie, The Evil Queen said...

Elective surgery at 18. Have any of these people seen Micheal Jackson, or Joan Rivers lately? The sooner you start, the sooner you don't look like a human anymore.

This is sad and alarming. Just another sign of why our society is headed right down the crapper. I read a very scary article recently that actually contained this sentence, "White Trash is the new Ghetto Fabulous." Someone let me know when wit and charm come back into fashion.

3:42 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Too sad. What a nice message to give to the kid:

"Since men view womens' breasts as sexual objects, and society will judge you based on looks, rather than telling you that I think you're perfect just the way you are and you're a terrific kid who will go far with her brains, and who is beautiful, I'll write a cheque to reinforce all the negative stereotypes in the world and have you undergo surgery and all the risks that go with it."

3:57 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

Shudder. Recover, Shudder some more.

I don't want to think about my daughters boobs, let alone discuss enlarging them. Unless he's launching her as the next big stripper thing?

4:46 PM  
Blogger Misfit Hausfrau said...

Yikes. Dad is creepyu for buying them and Mom is creepy for allowing it. Daughter is screwed.

4:51 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

There is something so wrong here. There really is too much reliance on cosmetic surgery. I've seen people who looked perfectly normal, but because they did not have the ideal look, they needed to change their appearance.

I can't imagine why she went to her father. Maybe her parents indulge whatever she wants. Maybe, she's had other surgery. Their values are so strange.

5:03 PM  
Blogger toyfoto said...

I really like you post, but I am forced to play devil's advocate by some weird freakish flaw in my personality. (SO SORRY). My own mother offered to get me RHINOPLASTY and Breast Reduction surgery at different courses of my young-adulthood. She wanted me to be happy (or more aptly not as selfconscious about my bumpy nose and gynormous breasts). I ended up fearing unnecessary surgery more than I did cosmetic flaws. ... So I guess she did influence me to make good decisions. But parents often want to give their kids what they want even if it's the absolute worst thing ever.

5:17 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

I can understand Rhinoplasty...maybe because everyday people submit to it for very legitmate reasons. And breast reduction is also something that women (even young women)request because there really is such a thing as "too big". I have no problem with either of those. This girl's case is very different. There's no medical reason for doing what she's doing. Her breasts are very nice...they're just not HUGE and I think that's the thing here. The people she was telling at the party were amazed because it was really all about having big boobs. There was no other reason, and at 18, I think her parents are stupid for giving in to such a shallow mindset.

5:35 PM  
Blogger toyfoto said...

I know you are right, but I guess I had to throw out the possibility. I suppose my way of thinking makes Miss. Texas runner-up's parents' mentality about as deep as beauty. The width and breadth of skin. Nothing more. Sad really.

6:14 PM  
Anonymous sweatpantsmom said...

I've heard of this trend, and it's just WRONG. Where's Child Services when you need 'em?

And where is the mother, who should be strangling that idiot dad and locking that 13 year old in her room?

I'd say for now, defnitely creepier than Tom Cruise, although ask me again when little Suri turns 13.

6:24 PM  
Blogger stefanierj said...

I came here via Mom-101, and dude, that's the absolute hardest I've ever laughed while being creeped totally out. LOVE your writing and what you had to say. Oy to the vey with this dad! God knows if I gave my child everything he wanted, I'm sure he thinks he'd be happy. But he wouldn't sleep, have energy, or be a remotely pleasant human to be around. I like to think of it this way: it is a parent's privilege to introduce their children to getting used to dealing with disappointment.

6:53 PM  
Blogger Marcie said...

This is so very sad. My Dad wouldn't let my grandfather buy me a sportscar for my 16th birthday. I was so angry with him. He told me that he did not want my identity to be in the car I drove. The same could go for boobs. I didn't get it then, but I do now. Thanks Dad.

7:10 PM  
Blogger Shelley said...

That is seriously high on the creepy scale. I just hope "Daddy" doesn't intend to inspect the doctor's work after the surgery, 'cause that's just beyond wrong.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Lucky Lum said...

it's like telling your daughter she's not good enough the way she is.
Plus she needs to grow up before she decides whether or not she wants new boobs. No doubt she'll get the XX rated size boobs!

7:41 PM  
Anonymous HolyMama! said...

oh YUCK!

(love the snowman bit.)

8:41 PM  
Anonymous HolyMama! said...

and where's the MOM?!

8:41 PM  
Blogger Gina said...

This frightens me on more levels than I have the ability to express at this moment.

But I guess we who live in a society that glorifies looks over substance any day of the week should not be all that surprised.

I still get to be frightened, though.

8:45 PM  
Anonymous Izzy said...

I completely get what you're saying. It IS gross and creepy.

Daddy & boobs?

Ugh...never the twain shall meet, IMO.

"that new car smell"

lololololololol

10:31 PM  
Blogger Sarcomical said...

no, you're right.

...that's gross. ew.

11:49 PM  
Blogger Freakazojd said...

Yow. Definitely up there on the creep-o-meter.

1:48 AM  
Anonymous V-Grrrl said...

Hey, does this mean she has a slightly used set of young firm breasts that she could give away to a poor deserving 40+ year old female? Not that I'M interested. No really. ; )

Seriously, being small chested myself and very self-conscious about it as a teen I can tell you the bright side: small boobs age well.

And also having connections in the medical field and having known women who have had breast augmentation, that girl needs to know this: the surgery itself may reduce the sexual sensitivity of her breasts so they'll only be fun for her partner and not for her. Also, breast augmentation is not a one-shot wonder. She will need to be adjusted and touched up all her life. Just because the implants are sitting like inverted Tupperware bowls in your chest wall does not mean your real breasts won't sag or lose firmness. Then you get the very interesting "four boob effect"--with the fakes becoming bricklike as they get wrapped in scar tissue and the real ones getting soft and heading south, no longer in alignment over the bricks.

What a thought.

As my friend Shirl Grrrl once said in her sweet Southern twang: "Where are big boobs gonna take us that we haven't already been?"

Where indeed?

2:58 AM  
Blogger ceece said...

three girls that I went to high school with got boobs for their graduation present.

eeecch.

8:22 AM  
Blogger monica said...

oh, the squeamies.
never in my life have I been more grateful for my graduation luggage set.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Trish said...

Joe Simpson syndrome. HE continually talks about Jessica Simpson's DD breast size in the media. Creepy.

8:40 AM  
Blogger Rude Cactus said...

That's really strange. Do you think good old dad's going to want to see what his money bought?

*shudder*

9:43 AM  
Blogger Nap Queen said...

Ewwwwwww, that is soooo wrong, but I have heard it's the new thing for graduation. I hate the whole "Daddy's Girl" thing anyway, and this is just makes it even worse.

9:57 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

Right after reading your title I thought, "Oo Oo, I know this one. It's DONALD TRUMP!" No cigar for me I guess.

The whole boob thing disturbs me. If for nothing else, and believe me I could go on for hours about this, they don't last. This girl will need to have them redone several times in the course of her life!

Then there's the "Daddy" ewwww factor which I just refuse to think about right now.

11:01 AM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

Isn't this preoccupation with the physical starting to seem a little like the Fall of the Roman Empire?

Back then people were getting fed to lions for entertainment (tell me some reality TV producer wouldn't try it, and tell me people wouldn't watch it)?

6:27 PM  
Anonymous jess said...

So wrong. So creepy. Really though it just makes me sad. *sigh* My poor daughters growing up in this screwed up world

9:37 PM  

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